Everyday Normal Guy

Here's another from our old friend, Jon LaJoie. I must warn you, he uses some coarse language but then again, it is a send-up of a "music" style that uses such language. Watch the entire thing... it's well worth it!

Roxy, I Hardly Knew Ye

Late last night, I had to go on a deodorant run (hey, c'mon... who wants to get up with no deodorant only so you can go out to buy some?). It was about 12:30AM and I was walking into my local supermarket and, as I'm walking in, a guy is walking out with this woman who was dressed in a very nice cocktail dress. She was dressed for a night on the town; he seemed dressed for a night at a (RED)NECKCAR NASCAR race. (You know what NECKCAR NASCAR stands for don't you? Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks).

Anyway, as I'm walking into the supermarket, she called after me by saying, "hey! you don't say 'hi' to me, now?"

I turn around, "I'm sorry?" I say.

"It's me, Roxy. You just saw me today!"

"Do you know who I am?"

"Yeah - you're that guy!"

"I am. Always have been."

All the while, NASCAR-boy is looking at me as if I should seriously know this dressed-to-kill-whack-a-loon.

I don't know who that woman who called herself Roxy was, but I'm sure she was hung over this morning.

They're Baaaaack!

48 years after Bill Mazeroski hit the historic Game 7, bottom of the 9th, walk-off home run off Ralph Terry of the New York Yankees to win the 1960 World Series, the Yankees have returned to Pittsburgh.

Yes, it's been 48 years since the Yankees played in Pittsburgh and who better to throw out the first pitch of the game tonight than Maz, himself? Even better? The Buccos drubbed the Yankees 12-5 tonight!

I have talked to Yankee fans many times over the years and the first thing they try to do is to dismiss Mazeroski by saying he's only in the Hall of Fame because of that home run - that's it. Well, say what you will, but he is in the Hall of Fame. And deservedly so. Maz is easily and arguably one of the best defensive second basemen to ever take the field and certainly the best one in Pittsburgh. He is legend in Pittsburgh and a man revered by the Chief.

Maz was kind enough to autograph a baseball for me several years ago and the man could not have been nicer. He enjoys his popularity in Pittsburgh to this day without any arrogance. He is a humble man who loves the game of baseball and is proud of the fact that he spent his entire career in the uniform of the Pittsburgh Pirates.

I only wish I could have been at PNC Park tonight to witness everything but I will have to settle for reading about it. Like it or not, Yankee fans, Maz hit that home run and the Pittsburgh Pirates were the World Champions in 1960 - the underdog won then and tonight. We may never be able to compete financially with you but it's so gratifying to know that the team that beat you tonight, beat you in spite of your money. For every $1 that catcher Ryan Doumit makes, A-Rod makes $66 or some obscene disparity such as that.

Well... we won tonight, Yankee fans. Live with that and while you're at it... don't forget that no matter how many times you try to replay it or watch it, that ball will forever leave Maz' bat and sail over Yogi Berra's head (yes, that was Yogi Berra in left field then even though he was a catcher normally).

Forever.

George Carlin: 1937-2008

He will now get back everything he ever lost.

In heaven, George Carlin said, there is huge pile of everything you ever lost including pens, pencils, wallets (sans cash, of course - it's just like Earth) and, of course, a jock strap found on the Golden State Freeway with hoofprints and chocolate sprinkles on it after "quite an evening."

This was George Carlin. A man oft-quoted by The Chief as much as by any other guy from my generation and the generation preceding it.

The Chief had the privilege of being one of those who actually saw Carlin live on stage. I saw him at Stambaugh Auditorium in Youngstown, Ohio about six years ago and while the show was not really that funny, it was not the routines he did or the jokes he told; it was the pure idea of seeing this icon of the 70's counter-culture that really made the ticket worth the price. His bitterness really came through on his 1999 album, You Are All Diseased and he never really lost that but no matter what, through it all, he was always Carlin.

Despite his later years becoming angry and bitter - mostly over the death of his wife in 1997 - he was an incredibly gifted man who had a great deal to do with the development of my own social views because he took serious issues and looked at them through the filter and pointed out the absurdity of everything.

Elgarf will easily be with me in my sorrow on this day as he and I used to listen to Carlin (and quote the hell out of him!) many, many. many times throughout high school and college and even into today. Perhaps his best album, Playin' With Your Head was one that was listened to over and over and it's so fitting that I leave this sad post on this note taken from that very album:

I will always have a love for the comedic gift George Carlin gave to me and I say "love" because it's so much better than just being "remembered to somebody" which is "hardly worth telling the poor person."

Rest in Peace, George, we'll take it from here, buddy.

Play it Again, Sam-800Z with the 500K RAM

When I was about 8 years old, I always thought about how great things would become with technology. At the time, we were just being introduced to video games (Pong, the Atari), home computers were finally here (Commodore VIC 20 & the Commodore 64) and the idea... idea, mind you, of "car phones" was being bandied about even though no one we knew actually ever saw one let alone had one.

Fast forward 26 years: iPod, iPhone, Playstation 3, Xbox, personal GPS, the World Wide Web, Hi Speed Wi-fi on your portable computer and, of course, cell phones - the inevitable realization of the 'car phone' idea.

I know when things have passed me by when kids - people who were not even born when I was high school - take for granted that all these things have existed all along. It's understandable - these kids have never known a world where these things did not exist.

What's really bad, though, is the idea these kids have when they think about it - ideas of what life was like before the cell phone or iPod. An example of this came to me recently when a young girl I know, who is in high school, was doing that wonderful light-speed thumb movement on her phone that carpal tunnel surgeons 15-20 years from now are going to love - text-messaging. I asked her why she doesn't - gulp - dial the phone and call her friend instead of exchanging 20 messages in a 30 minute period? She said that "text-ing" (which, I'm sorry folks, is not a word) is so much more fun. FUN?!? More fun than interacting with people - conversing? Oh my. She asked how much I text and I told her that I don't. She then said to me (EXTREMELY SERIOUSLY TOO - NOT IN A CONDESCENDING MANNER EITHER) "Cell phones have letters on each of the numbers if you look at it so each number can also be a letter also."

Oh.

For.

Chrisssakes.

I told her that those letters were always there - even on rotary phones and she asked me how anyone would need them on a rotary phone. [I stand sobbing at this point in the conversation] Now, anyone who has grown up in Northeast Ohio or Western Pennsylvania will remember the jingle, "Garfield 1-2323." (For those that don't know - it was an ad for the phone number of Home Corp., a Cleveland-area siding company). I explained to her that phone numbers used to use "Exchange names" which was a designated word where the first two letters of the word (GArfield) were the corresponding number on the phone (42) and then the rest of the number. Hence, Garfield 1-2323 would be 421-2323 in area code 216 (Cleveland). This seemed to amaze her. She asked me why they wouldn't just use the phone number instead of going through all the "silliness" of using a word like that. I reminded her that we also did not have a way to "program" phone numbers into speed dial at that time.

Outside of that little Cleveland jingle, my generation did not use the exchange names but we were familiar with them as our own parents used them and we were the generation that bridged that little gap, I suppose.

It's funny how things change so quickly, isn't it?

Victoria's Secret Pain in the Thong

The Chief has another bone to pick.

You've got to check out this piece of luggage who is suing Victoria's Secret. Why is she suing? You'll have to watch the video.

First, I have to say a few things:

'It's not about the money.' Really? OK, then just have them pay medical bills and move on.

'The decorative heart has a sharp edge which is too dangerous for a piece of underwear.' OK, then your dumb-ass client should have recognized it and demurred on purchasing the damn thing in the first place!!!

So really... does this not scream 'OPPORTUNIST'??? This woman is smiling an awful lot for someone who has suffered the anguish deserving of monetary compensation above the basic medical bill reimbursement.

Play the lottery, bitch... your odds are lessened but at least you'll be worthy of respect and keep a little dignity.

Mad Libs: Our Solar System

Well... here it is folks... thanks to the answers of LISAYAK, ELGARF & CRAZY FATHER O'MALLEY. (Kristen, I was hoping for an accomplished author to provide some good words! Next time?)

OUR SOLAR SYSTEM

When we look up into the sky on a succulent summer night, we see millions of tiny spots of light. Each one represents a rubber mallet which is the center of a putrid solar system with dozens of toenails revolving longingly around a distant sun. Sometimes these suns expand and begin smothering their neighbors. Soon they will become so big, they will turn into whippersnappers. Eventually they subside and become wet giants or perhaps black gaskets. Our own planet, which we call Kristen, circles around our jerky sun 007 times every year. There are eight other planets in our solar system. They are named Rupert, Geri, Lisa, Hilda, Victoria, Edgar, Jupiter, and Mars. Scientists who study these planets are called Boogers.